"i am quitting school", i remembered me saying that quite alot of times but it seems that no matter how many times i said it, nobody took me seriously like or rather, nobody gives a damn thing about it. they just say simple things like "move on with life." or "you can do it".. i remembered seeing it quite a few times too and i can tell you straight in your face that i hate it when people just simply say all these typical things. what do you all know! i'm sure all of you all says it because its just something so conveniently like when you see your friend out there, you would just asked, "how are you?" kinda thing. its something like this. so you people just say it without understanding how i feel and thinking you could help just by saying. it isn't simple you know. can y'all just try to understand what i am feeling right now. even a lil bit of understanding helps.

i've been studying the same damn thing for 2 years already. i'm studying it all over again. i'm sticking to something i have absolutely no interest for 2 fucking years and till now, i have to go on with it for another 2 damn years. i can't stand this anymore but i've got not much options to choose from.

i've really regretted for not doing well in primary school. so i never gave up and i did well in secondary2 but the principal didn't allow me to promote to NA cause he feels that its a bit too late for me to catch up with what they have learned. till secondary4, i did well for 'N' levels. i admit its just pure luck, but i topped my 'N' levels. after that, i made a decision i have regretted till now. it would definitely be me choosing that fucked up course with fucked up people (all teachers and some students). i should have go with business course then maybe i would be so much a happier person now.

earlier on, i wasted my 1 hour earlier on doing my work. what i have accomplished is just questions with no answers at all. i swear i did not slack at all. in fact, i tried solving all of it but still, i can't do solve any. i can't do it at all and so, i began to give up. i didn't want to but i thought i could do it. i've been going to school. i've been listening in class but how could i not solve anything at all! even with the formulas, i can't solve anything! am i really not talented in anything? immediately, i kept my stuffs went to search for other altenatives. i went to Lasalle's and NAFA's website but their application date has closed. even if they are open, they only take in people with O levels certificate which i do not have. N levels Certificate doesn't help in any bit at all. just an obsolete cert. i've done what i could have done. now, i'm left with the only choice. to quit or not to quit.

i'm really at my wits end. i did soul searching but still, i think i can't do this anymore and i don't even know what i want at all. its just like a situation whereby suddenly a devil pops out and says "you can't do it! you MUST give up!" kind of thing. sigh. only till i face the actual situation then i realised, life's really unfair. others can pursue what they think they can do in life. others got lots and lots of opportunities come knocking their door and eventually, they succeed in life and there's some, who just try and try but lost. who didn't gave up but eventually, gives up. some who just struggle in life not knowing what they want. ultimately, they just die still without knowing what they want. i think, i'm going to be one of them soon or maybe i have long ago became one of them.

i'm only 18 but, i led 3/4 of my life with regrets.

Labels: regrets